


A Secret Six Santa

by JudeDeluca



Category: DCU, DCU (Comics), Secret Six, Suicide Squad (Comics)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Eve, Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Monkeys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 18:24:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16917987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudeDeluca/pseuds/JudeDeluca
Summary: Deadshot wants to surprise his daughter for Christmas. Ragdoll joins him. Deadshot wishes he hadn't.A short Christmas gift for a friend who's been absent for a while.





	A Secret Six Santa

**Author's Note:**

> A stupid little idea I had for a friend of mine on twitter who's a Secret Six fan. Even though I love Tommy Blake Jr., I don't have much experience writing the Six so I was breaking out from the norm.

“And you’re sure she’s down there?”

“Oh absolutely, I can verify the little doorknob is snuggled quite comfortably waiting for dear Sinterklaas to arrive down the chimney. So imagine her surprise when she finds YOU.”

Floyd Lawton, the assassin usually known by the handle “Deadshot,” was dressed in a Santa Claus outfit. On this late evening of December 24th, with a sack of presents slung over his shoulder, Floyd was about to descend down the chimney of his daughter Zoe’s current home. Along for the ride was Peter Merkel Jr., usually called Ragdoll and currently dressed like Santa’s elf alongside three of his pet monkeys (also dressed like elves).

“Ya know, you didn’t have to come along,” Floyd reminded Ragdoll as he was about to begin his descent down the chimney. “In fact I specifically threatened to shoot you if you came anywhere near my daughter’s house.”

“Oh Floyd, you know attempting to get on my good side will get you absolutely nowhere,” Ragdoll tittered. “I could never pass up the opportunity to watch someone other than yours truly make a complete spectacle of themselves. And the children so wanted to have a little Christmas merriment.”

“Blake’s right, you make everything sound gross even when it shouldn’t be. Besides, I’m,” Floyd began his descent, “Trying to surprise my kid for Christmas.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Ragdoll assured as he spoke directly into the dark chimney, watching Floyd crawl his way down. “I certainly know quite a lot about what goes on at Yuletide.”

“Well I don’t wanna hear it!” Floyd shouted back, but then worried Zoe might freak out if she heard him.

“Yes, Christmas was a most festive time in my familial abode,” Ragdoll sighed, ignoring Floyd as he began to reminisce about his rather warped upbringing at the hands of sociopathic monster. “It was the only time of the year when father would beat us because we asked for it, not because he had to.”

“’Doll, for the love of GOD,” Floyd pleaded as he was trying to angle his way down the chimney, “How many times do I have to tell you STOP SAYING THESE THINGS.”

“Oh, excuse me Floyd,” Ragdoll wept as he cradled his monkeys in a group hug, “I’m having an emotional moment.”

“I swear to God if I find you-“

Uh-oh.

“Oh crap. ‘Doll? Doll!” Floyd started calling up from where he was wedged in the chimney.

“Hmm? One minute Floyd, I’m almost done with my emotional moment.”

“DOLL!”

“Well now that’s taken care of, what seems to be problem?” Ragdoll stick his head inside the chimney to see what had happened.

“I’m stuck.” Floyd struggled.

“Now Floyd,” Ragdoll tsk-tsked almost like a school teacher lecturing a five year old, “if you weren’t prepared to accept the consequences of portraying Jolly St. Nick, you shouldn’t have donned the fur suit.”

At that point the three monkeys started to shriek at the mention of the word “Fur.”

“Fake fur, fake fur everyone,” Ragdoll tried to calm his pets. “The nice man is wearing FAKE fur!”

“Instead of dealing with the little poop-slingers, you mind trying to get me out of here?” Floyd yelled upwards, until he saw what Ragdoll was doing. “Wait, ‘Doll what are-“

“Why I’m helping, dear man,” Ragdoll casually explained as he crawled down the chimney like a spindly spider dressed in red and green. “Now how might I be of help?”

“You weren’t supposed to crawl in after me!” Floyd screamed.

“I couldn’t really help if I was up THERE, now could I?” Ragdoll inquired, before his masked face was inches from Floyd’s. “So, you come here often?”

“I am gonna mu-“

SPLAT

“What was that?” Floyd asked.

Ragdoll twisted his head at an unnatural (well it was natural for him) angle to get a better look at the chimney’s opening.

“Oh those little darlings!” Ragdoll wept. “They want to get in on the spirit of gift-giving too!”

Floyd struggled to look upward when he saw the three monkeys perched on the opening of the chimney, holding what appeared to be-

“And they took the time to MAKE their gifts, too!” Ragdoll cried. “So selfless!”

“DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLL!!!!!!!”

…

Down in her living room, Zoe Lawton had been waiting for the arrival of Santa Claus when she overheard a ruckus coming from the chimney. Cautiously, the young lady crept towards the fireplace in order to better hear what was happening.

“Oh those little darlings!”

“Santa?” Zoe whispered. But it sounded like Santa was arguing with something when suddenly she heard a loud screaming, followed by a cacophony. Zoe leapt back as a dirty sack, followed by a large man in a red suit and what appeared to be a big elf doll fell in a heap out of the chimney.

“I get my hands on those little assholes, when we get back to the house we’re having Monkey Brain Soup for Christmas dinner!”

“Santa?” Zoe asked again, getting the attention of the man in the suit. He looked like Santa, but he also looked like “Wait, daddy?”

“Uh-“

“Merry Christmas, Miss Lawton!” The big elf doll suddenly stood up, its head turned upside down and wearing a cracked white mask. “And have we been a good little girl this year?”

Zoe dropped to the floor.

“Well how rude.”


End file.
